Blog 1: Motivation

Date: 12/2/2024

I wasnt really sure how to start writing a blog. I created my neocities account a few months before and I knew I wanted to have a blog section on my website, just because thats "the thing you do" on a personal website, or at least how I see it. But starting in September this year, with my final stretch of college courses before me, I've been toying around with an idea for the first post: Motivation. I am not sure if I am a very motivated person. Generally, my energy just goes into whatever task or problem is at hand, and I find the solution that makes the most sense to me, I'm sure a very common phenomenon. But yet, here I am, a week before finals with many projects to do and my grades in the shitter, writing a blog post for my website. Clearly, the best use of my time is to do my class work and then go to bed (it being 3am). Instead I, or my mind, keeps wandering out of the tasks I need to do, avoiding them by doing literally anything else. I have been trying to do two assignments today for the past 13 hours, making little to no progress on either. My energy and time is instead being put into writing this blog post, listing to podcasts, talking with friends, playing Minecraft; all things that are great and productive, but not what I NEED to do. So why isn't the need motivating me?

Class work isn't as engaging as stuff I WANT to do, but the consequences for not doing it are catching up to me. Currently, I've dropped a class this term, and am at risk of failing all of my important requried classes, with the only course I've been succeeding in being a intro drawing class. Yet I still feel no real push to do them. Maybe I'm burnt out? Maybe Senoiritis? I cant say, but Im sure its not a unique feeling. The last few months have been very difficult for me, but also very rewarding. I've been building relationships with new and old friends, I've been developing a stronger sense of clothing style I enjoy, I've gotten to travel internationally. We've had multiple deaths in my family which I've never experienced before, a friend group I heavily interacted with became very distant from eachother, I've been feeling emotionally exhuasted supporting friends. All things expected in the normal course of a 20-something's life. Yet my "main" goal, doing college, has very much fallen by the wayside.

I've been struggling hard with this term. My morale is pretty much completely bankrupt. I know I usually feel like this late into the term, I'm not much for academics, but its a different feeling this time. Its just been so much harder, even from the beginning of the term. Its just like every little inch forward results in 20 steps back, because I feel like I put so much energy into that inch. I cant really say Im half-assing anything; my whole ass is in all the class work, its just that my whole ass is so unbelievable flat and miniscule after everything else I need to do to exist. Other tasks (like writing a blog post) come so much eaiser, yet also I haven't really "accomplished" much in terms of projects I truly wanted to do, like crafts, worldbuilding, and reading. So really it feels like Im just chasing whatever "feels easiest". Avoiding stuff is really easy, but coming back to it is hard.

I guess thats all to say, I dont really feel motivated to do anything worthwhile right now, justified or not. I dont really feel like I'm working towards anything worthwhile, but in a certain roundabout way, I feel like that means I dont think Im worthwhile. Shouldnt I be motivated by pure virtue of self-actualization or whatever? I dont really think I ever have been. Alot of my past motivation has been external. Even personal projects sortve have the end goal of someone else observing them and giving validation. I dont think Ive ever needed to have much internal motivation until now, which is a sucky realization. The other day I was thinking "what length would I go to to protect my lifestyle right now?" I cant see myself going to any lengths at all frankly. Theres not much that feels like its truly mine and that only I can protect it, I suppose "myself" is inclused in that. I hope I do not always feel this way, and that my internal motivation grows, now that I realize its so low. I think I only realize it because I feel like the people around me do not have any expectations for me, except to be a good friend. Something someting maslows heirarchy of needs... I want to get to that internal drive to do stuff!!! I know I will one day, but right now I've got to get by with very little motivation at all, and hopefully that will be enough.